Saturday, July 26, 2014

A psycho wife

It's been forever. I know. If you read my book and saw me drop off from posting you may have thought that I got a respectable job and wanted to put all my hand job shenanigans to rest. Think again. And again and again, because I've been giving hand jobs almost daily. The thing that made me lay low was that someone's psycho wife was plotting to destroy me. And she had done the same to another erotic masseuse in town. 

But now, however, I have learned her name, and more importantly her contact information. Not to harass, mind you, just to let her know that I know who she is. Tit for tat, if you will, just to clarify that if she continues to fuck with me, well, I guess I haven't figured that part out as I am a non-violent, tree-hugging, vegan, but still, I KNOW WHO YOU ARE LADY!

Better yet, I know her husband, and his O face. And maybe I take pictures. Maybe.

People like Mrs. Psycho are often quite brave when calling from a blocked number or emailing from a proxied ip, but once their identity is known, they tend to back off, cower behind the bushes from which they were throwing stones. Particularly when said psycho has a respectable job, an outwardly respectable husband, a small dog, children, and is active in her church. Fucking Christians are the worst kind of humans. 

So, I'll start from the beginning. One day, while working at the spa, I received a call to our "work" phone from an "unknown" number. These are generally scaredy-cat dudes who we don't book with. We need a real name for screening purposes and blocked numbers usually lead to a lot of "Hi, my name is John Smith," in a shaky, ready-to-crap-his-pants voice.

Usually the John Smiths don't leave a message, but there was one. I listened and it was the sarcastic bitchy voice of a wife who claimed I had seen her husband. She knew my real name, she knew my child's name, she had read my book last night, and even pinpointed one person that I mentioned in the book (a non-client) to the actual real-live person in our community. It was creepy. She assured me that she'd inform my landlord as well as other people in my life. She peppered her message with little details that someone could only know if they had dug very deep. You do not get to threaten me, or more importantly mention my child's name without getting every ounce of my attention. 

To be continued tomorrow.....(unless psycho lady kills me)

Saturday, November 23, 2013

Kindle Countdown Deal

Confessions of an Erotic Masseuse is discounted to 99 cents today; tomorrow it'll be $1.99. After tomorrow, it'll be back to the $2.99 price. Who can't afford 99 cents for a few titillating stories?

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Rule #2 of Operating a Sensual Massage Parlor

Number of clients I saw yesterday: 3
Money earned: $390


Rule #2: Be wary of trash disposal. It could be incriminating. Aubree and I have discussed this at length. As usual, she seems to think it's no big deal to fill the garbage with dirty baby wipes. Conversely, I know from my extensive research of crime TV, realize that anything that hits the streets becomes public. I also read a story online about a massage parlor getting busted where the police rifled through the trash, finding condoms and baby wipes. 

We don't supply or use condoms at our parlor...it's not THAT type of place, although I have my eye on Brandi. But still, there is the issue of mop-up. My policy is to use hand towels and then wash them along with all the other sheets. It goes from spa to laundromat and never into the prying hands of piglets. It's also more environmental. We could boast that we're a green business. Aubree has been figuratively stomping around because she doesn't want the extra laundry, hassle, and customer DNA once they are gone. Having a kid though makes a girl a little less repulsed by cleaning up bodily fluids.



Saturday, October 5, 2013

Now Hiring Brandi

Aubree showed her around. Each girl gets a small locker, just like at a strip club and we have a small kitchen area with a dorm fridge and microwave. It might be wishful thinking that we'll be busy enough to have girls stay a full day, but Aubree and I have been reading about how you should plan for the future and pretend like it's happening now or something like that. Future planning isn't something that Aubree and I have done to much of. Apparently most people learn that sort of thing growing up, like from a normal family.

We explained to Brandi the split and basically how things worked, which is fairly similar to how things worked at the old place. Except that we are NOT a brothel. It's not "whatever goes," after the door is closed.

"So you mean I can't fuck them?" Brandi asked, looking mildly slack-jawed. After a couple cups of coffee and some makeup, dim lights, Brandi is considered pretty hot. I swear.

"No," Aubree and I said in unison. All the girls at the old place assumed Brandi was fairly amenable to any sexual favor as long as she was properly compensated. And of all the girls, she was the one least likely to complain about the perversity or stench of customers. It was like her body ceased to register any feeling.

"Okay."

"You can't allow any penetration at all," Aubree added.

Finally Brandi looked quasi-alert. "Any? What if they offer a lot of money? I mean, you're getting a cut so what's the big deal?"

We explained to Brandi that we didn't want to be that kind of place. It would be hell for the other girls who were only comfortable with releases because it builds an expectation and it makes the place more of a target to get busted. We told Brandi she had to stick with titty-fucking at most. She looked slightly disappointed, which makes Brandi even more "special" than Aubree and myself.







Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Now Hiring

One of the most difficult aspects of operating a Sensual Massage Business (sorry, I just can't call it a parlor, it's like the word "panties"... gross), is finding the girls or "women" if you're a feminist. Although not too many feminists work as sensual body rubbers, so I guess we're good with girls, but I digress.

The far majority of women in the United States do not want to do the work of an erotic masseuse even with the potential of earning ten times minimum wage with essentially no skills. If you're a women reading this, you're probably nodding vehemently. If you're a guy, you probably look puzzled. It's one of those gender differences, like income disparities, although in this profession, a woman will make A LOT more than her male counterpart, basically because men won't make anything offering to masturbate women.

But there are freaks of nature, such as Aubree and myself, who apparently don't mind milking the cash cow. And occasionally enjoy the scandalous (and lucrative) aspects of the job. I've decided to embrace it, and fuck anybody who finds out what I do. Do you hear that, Cole?

So anyway, Aubree has been determined to bring in some new girls, mostly from strips clubs and the massage place where we both used to be employed. My part of the hiring process has involved an ad on Backpage, guaranteeing $60 per hour, which has yielded zilch. Like I said, no one wants to do this. It makes me realize how "special" I am.

Aubree was able to convince one girl, "Brandi" to come in and see our place, meet me, etc. I had a vague recollection of Brandi from the massage parlor (ok, I'll call that place a parlor because it was gross). I recall something about the other girls accusing her of stealing their lunches from the communal fridge. The word was that Brandi was bulimic, binging and them purging on the other girls Hot Pockets. Like I said, though, one can't be too picky and the up side to a bulimic is that they aren't averse to bodily fluid contact in the spirit of  getting the job done.

When Brandi showed up, she looked a bit sleepy, which was slightly disturbing considering it was two o'clock in the afternoon. The good thing about Brandi, though, is that she doesn't have much of a chip on her shoulder, so she'll take direction. This is all according to Aubree, who convinced me prior to the "interview" that Brandi would be a good worker, with a little direction. This could be an I.Q. deficiency, but again, one can't be that picky.

TO BE CONTINUED....


Thursday, September 26, 2013

My contribution to society

Recently a reader of my book emailed me to let me know that I had inspired them to give their husband a sensual massage. And she even sounded excited about. As they say, if my work has touched one person....

I haven't received a post-massage email but based on my experience, men are pretty easy to please, particularly if there is a naked female in front of them hoping to do something in a sensual realm. So I can only imagine the husband was happy. I bet he'll encourage her reading habit from now on.

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

A Massage Parlor Entrance

Aubree is back in town. Things didn't go so well with her intercontinental plans, luckily she didn't end up in one of those South American jails. Brokedown Palace was real bummer of a movie.

In any case, she's back, popping into my life just as things are in an upheaval. Hence, the move to open our own massage parlor. We figure we know the business, probably better than most people who open a sensual massage parlor. We like to call it a spa, sounds classier, less Asian.

The first thing was to find a place and there was a lot to consider. Money, of course. But other key factors were a central bathroom with shower (the shower thing is sooo rare, more common in places that were once houses and converted to a commercial property), non-carpet flooring (ok, well there is the obvious reason but the other one is that massage oils and lotion on customer's feet act as a dirt magnet for the carpet. Even a carpet shampoo won't get out the stains. Trust me, I've tried.), and then there is the most important thing: a shared entrance with another business.

I believe being busted is a relatively small risk, but there are a few ways to minimize it. One obvious way is not to have stupid conversations while the client is fully dressed. Another way is to have a common entrance so that it's unclear who is going where. Or maybe that's just more for the comfort of the patrons. In any case, we decided to make that our priority.