Saturday, November 23, 2013

Kindle Countdown Deal

Confessions of an Erotic Masseuse is discounted to 99 cents today; tomorrow it'll be $1.99. After tomorrow, it'll be back to the $2.99 price. Who can't afford 99 cents for a few titillating stories?

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Rule #2 of Operating a Sensual Massage Parlor

Number of clients I saw yesterday: 3
Money earned: $390

Rule #2: Be wary of trash disposal. It could be incriminating. Aubree and I have discussed this at length. As usual, she seems to think it's no big deal to fill the garbage with dirty baby wipes. Conversely, I know from my extensive research of crime TV, realize that anything that hits the streets becomes public. I also read a story online about a massage parlor getting busted where the police rifled through the trash, finding condoms and baby wipes. 

We don't supply or use condoms at our's not THAT type of place, although I have my eye on Brandi. But still, there is the issue of mop-up. My policy is to use hand towels and then wash them along with all the other sheets. It goes from spa to laundromat and never into the prying hands of piglets. It's also more environmental. We could boast that we're a green business. Aubree has been figuratively stomping around because she doesn't want the extra laundry, hassle, and customer DNA once they are gone. Having a kid though makes a girl a little less repulsed by cleaning up bodily fluids.

Saturday, October 5, 2013

Now Hiring Brandi

Aubree showed her around. Each girl gets a small locker, just like at a strip club and we have a small kitchen area with a dorm fridge and microwave. It might be wishful thinking that we'll be busy enough to have girls stay a full day, but Aubree and I have been reading about how you should plan for the future and pretend like it's happening now or something like that. Future planning isn't something that Aubree and I have done to much of. Apparently most people learn that sort of thing growing up, like from a normal family.

We explained to Brandi the split and basically how things worked, which is fairly similar to how things worked at the old place. Except that we are NOT a brothel. It's not "whatever goes," after the door is closed.

"So you mean I can't fuck them?" Brandi asked, looking mildly slack-jawed. After a couple cups of coffee and some makeup, dim lights, Brandi is considered pretty hot. I swear.

"No," Aubree and I said in unison. All the girls at the old place assumed Brandi was fairly amenable to any sexual favor as long as she was properly compensated. And of all the girls, she was the one least likely to complain about the perversity or stench of customers. It was like her body ceased to register any feeling.


"You can't allow any penetration at all," Aubree added.

Finally Brandi looked quasi-alert. "Any? What if they offer a lot of money? I mean, you're getting a cut so what's the big deal?"

We explained to Brandi that we didn't want to be that kind of place. It would be hell for the other girls who were only comfortable with releases because it builds an expectation and it makes the place more of a target to get busted. We told Brandi she had to stick with titty-fucking at most. She looked slightly disappointed, which makes Brandi even more "special" than Aubree and myself.

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Now Hiring

One of the most difficult aspects of operating a Sensual Massage Business (sorry, I just can't call it a parlor, it's like the word "panties"... gross), is finding the girls or "women" if you're a feminist. Although not too many feminists work as sensual body rubbers, so I guess we're good with girls, but I digress.

The far majority of women in the United States do not want to do the work of an erotic masseuse even with the potential of earning ten times minimum wage with essentially no skills. If you're a women reading this, you're probably nodding vehemently. If you're a guy, you probably look puzzled. It's one of those gender differences, like income disparities, although in this profession, a woman will make A LOT more than her male counterpart, basically because men won't make anything offering to masturbate women.

But there are freaks of nature, such as Aubree and myself, who apparently don't mind milking the cash cow. And occasionally enjoy the scandalous (and lucrative) aspects of the job. I've decided to embrace it, and fuck anybody who finds out what I do. Do you hear that, Cole?

So anyway, Aubree has been determined to bring in some new girls, mostly from strips clubs and the massage place where we both used to be employed. My part of the hiring process has involved an ad on Backpage, guaranteeing $60 per hour, which has yielded zilch. Like I said, no one wants to do this. It makes me realize how "special" I am.

Aubree was able to convince one girl, "Brandi" to come in and see our place, meet me, etc. I had a vague recollection of Brandi from the massage parlor (ok, I'll call that place a parlor because it was gross). I recall something about the other girls accusing her of stealing their lunches from the communal fridge. The word was that Brandi was bulimic, binging and them purging on the other girls Hot Pockets. Like I said, though, one can't be too picky and the up side to a bulimic is that they aren't averse to bodily fluid contact in the spirit of  getting the job done.

When Brandi showed up, she looked a bit sleepy, which was slightly disturbing considering it was two o'clock in the afternoon. The good thing about Brandi, though, is that she doesn't have much of a chip on her shoulder, so she'll take direction. This is all according to Aubree, who convinced me prior to the "interview" that Brandi would be a good worker, with a little direction. This could be an I.Q. deficiency, but again, one can't be that picky.


Thursday, September 26, 2013

My contribution to society

Recently a reader of my book emailed me to let me know that I had inspired them to give their husband a sensual massage. And she even sounded excited about. As they say, if my work has touched one person....

I haven't received a post-massage email but based on my experience, men are pretty easy to please, particularly if there is a naked female in front of them hoping to do something in a sensual realm. So I can only imagine the husband was happy. I bet he'll encourage her reading habit from now on.

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

A Massage Parlor Entrance

Aubree is back in town. Things didn't go so well with her intercontinental plans, luckily she didn't end up in one of those South American jails. Brokedown Palace was real bummer of a movie.

In any case, she's back, popping into my life just as things are in an upheaval. Hence, the move to open our own massage parlor. We figure we know the business, probably better than most people who open a sensual massage parlor. We like to call it a spa, sounds classier, less Asian.

The first thing was to find a place and there was a lot to consider. Money, of course. But other key factors were a central bathroom with shower (the shower thing is sooo rare, more common in places that were once houses and converted to a commercial property), non-carpet flooring (ok, well there is the obvious reason but the other one is that massage oils and lotion on customer's feet act as a dirt magnet for the carpet. Even a carpet shampoo won't get out the stains. Trust me, I've tried.), and then there is the most important thing: a shared entrance with another business.

I believe being busted is a relatively small risk, but there are a few ways to minimize it. One obvious way is not to have stupid conversations while the client is fully dressed. Another way is to have a common entrance so that it's unclear who is going where. Or maybe that's just more for the comfort of the patrons. In any case, we decided to make that our priority.

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Finding The Perfect Body Rub Girl

There are people you click with and others that drive you crazy. Some people might need someone crazy to click with. In any case, I think having the best body rub experience involves finding a girl that's the right fit for this particular situation. It might be a job to her, but still, I can say that any girl that does this for a living knows that there are some clients that they look forward to seeing and others that make them feel like an hour is an eternity. It depends where I am on my weekly earnings on whether I will take those clients. If I could have potential clients take a quiz, it might look like the following (obviously, never in a trillion years would I do such a thing):

  1. Would you prefer an escort or erotic masseuse? Many people book with a body rub girl instead of an escort (it's cheaper, quicker) but what they really want is sex or a blow job or to insert their fingers in a girl's privates. I would consider the later more escort stuff, obviously though there is some crossover. Pushing boundaries or trying to persuade her to do more is not going to make for a great session for either one of you. And contrary to what some might think, not every guy wants to have sex with his sex worker. Many guys feel like sex is a line they don't want to cross or have rationalized that a release is not really cheating or fear STDs and cooties. So if sex or finger penetration is what you want, book with an escort.
  2. No talk, dirty talk, or small talk? The important distinction here is whether you are looking for a sexual titillating conversation or not. Dirty talk seems really critical to some guys in terms of getting off, but it's weird and awkward when the feeling isn't mutual (or she's not feeling the need to be an actress).
  3. Preferable Venue? Studio versus apartment. Waiting room versus back door entrance. Shower versus mop-up yourself. I only work out of a studio, but many clients want the bedroom experience and pester me to come to their homes or come to mine. It's best to pick someone that working where you want them to be, rather than to convince them to change their venue.
  4. In your league or out? This is what I have heard from clients...for some, if the girl is too pretty, too hot, or too whatever, the guy gets intimidated, insecure and it's mission unaccomplished. (Which only makes him feel more insecure.) For these guys, sometimes the Asian Massage Parlors are better. From what I've heard, there is no such thing as a girl being out of a guy's league at those places. Being trafficked doesn't make for a desirable league.

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Can You Keep A Secret?

We all have secrets. It's completely normal. Some big, some small. Like for example:

  1. I have a mouthwash compulsion. I hide tiny bottles in my car, backpack, locker, and purse, swishing and spitting throughout the day in the most unladylike fashion.
  2. I don't know the first thing about Syria and why we are mad at them. BUT, I could tell you everything about Lamar Odom's crack addiction or Amanda Bynes' psychiatric hold or why I think Vickie from the Real Housewives should not be dating Brooks.
  3. I once egged an ex-boyfriend's car. Childish, yes.
  4. I have veneers. But my teeth still look real. So, when people compliment my smile, I just say "thanks, good genetics."
  5. I have weird lesbian dreams about Aubree.
  6. I will always tell a client that I'll see him again and smile, but if I don't, I just block their number.
  7. I'll break my boundaries for more money. Unless he has dingleberries.
  8. I asked Aubree to cyber-stalk Cole on Facebook.
  9. When I'm not working, I wear over-sized granny panties, usually Jockey For Her.
  10. I am the co-owner of Wild Orchid Massage. Yes, that kind of massage place.
  11. Of course, it's not really called Wild Orchid, but you get the point. Names are changed to protect the guilty.

Monday, September 9, 2013

Five things To Do Before Your Body Rub

To Do:

1. Clip your toenails

2. Trim or shave your crotch

3. Take a shower

4. Bring the cellphone you used to make the appointment so that you can call if you are lost, delayed

5. Nair your butt crack hair

Five Things NOT to do before a body rub:

1. Bring a condom so that it falls out of your pocket when you take your clothes off.

2. Apply copious amounts of cologne.

3. Allow a couple days for your shaved back hair to grow in so that it's a stiff stubble.

4. Give a fake name, then forget your fake name.

5. Tell her you only have x-10 (where x is the advertised rub price) and say "Will that work?"

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

"You Must Get A Lot of Weirdos..."

I think you can call something a trend after you've heard the same phrase, oh, maybe a couple dozen times, not that I'm grabbing a pen mid-stroke to tally data, but I'm guessing. And because basically these are the things I think of when I'm mid-stroke.

Yes, that's right. I'm back at it. It didn't work out so well with Cole and that's another story for another post. So I was thinking the other day how my body rub patrons frequently comment on how I must get a lot of weirdos or pervs or _____ (insert outlier personality disorder), whereas, in fact, my patrons are all highly normal. Highly normal, as in, more normal than the average person standing in front of you at the checkout at Target. Far more normal than the guy who comes to clear out the sewer line at your apartment complex (okay, that's a freebie because that guy is essentially ankle deep in shit each day), and maybe only slightly more normal than aforementioned ex-boyfriend.

The term "normal" being a nebulous equation of functioning in society, free of addictions, self-harming behavior, excelling professionally, being able to maintain relationships, keep a houseplant alive and such. Perhaps it's the price tag. Although I do take credit cards. I also like to think I can get a sense of someone over the phone. Weirdos don't have normal phone conversations, usually it begins with a halting query: Are you shaved? Trust me, you can tell A LOT about a person by their phone voice. It's the reason many body rub girls let it go directly to voicemail before they make a decision.

So, I have no idea why my clientele are abnormally normal or why my patrons think they are likely in the minority, but they do. It's just a little observational data on my part. You see I'm taking a statistics class in college, which sparked my ruminations. You can bet that I didn't raise my hand to share with the class though.

Monday, August 19, 2013

Anaheim Girl

A friend of mine, a friend from the business, started a blog: Anaheim Girl. Like me, she's a little new at writing so she's having someone help with the editing, etc.

Hope you enjoy. Feel free to let me know what you think.

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

The Five Species of Body-Rub Patrons

1. The Married-But-Celibate-Patron: A common client is the married guy who isn’t getting any at home. The fizzling of intimacy ranges from a months-long dry spell to years-long drought. The seasoned patron is likely no longer sleeping in the spousal bed and has entered the roommate zone. His wife’s touch is as elusive as a unicorn sighting. For those in their thirties, they are often still hoping for a libido rebound or that losing a little weight will spark a flame (trust me, it’s not you), but are hesitant to divorce due to kids, lifestyle upheaval, or fear of failure. Patrons in their fifties and sixties have generally settled in to this way of life, not wanting to fork over 50 percent of assets, because really, how would they afford their sex workers?
Crushes are a potential risk of this patron. On both sides.


2. The In-Between-Girlfriends Patron: These guys are generally seeking conflict-free touch to fill the genital-contact gap. They tend to be friendly, conversational, good-looking, but usually when they find the next girl, their business drops off. Drops off, that is, doesn’t usually cease entirely.


3. The Oil-Worker Patron is one of my favorites. They have lots of money, tip well and really appreciate a woman because most oil industry arenas involve a high man-to-woman ratio, where attractive women are tantamount to an endangered species. Most are single, which nixes any unsavory guilt on the sex worker side. It’s one of the few patrons that will actually refer other guys. Thank you, Halliburton.


4. The Dead-Bodies-In-The-Basement Patron doesn’t usually make it past the phone, because he sounds so odd, but occasionally he does (rent is due), creating a painfully awkward hour, whereupon his number is blocked post-session. A session with this guy involves a lot of squeezing, a lot of staring, and usually infrequent and painful bursts of conversation. While rubbing this patron, the sex worker is glad that she has mace handy and often has to reinforce boundaries. She’s also worried that he might burn a hole into her boobies with his intense gaze. No amount of money is worth seeing this guy again.


5. The Mutual-Benefit Patron is the most annoying of clients. He might be 58, but he still “has it” and when he looks in the mirror, he sees his 20-something self, and often still dresses that way, drenching himself in Old Spice for his date-slash-body rub.


This patron often comments, “You must get sooooo turned on doing this,” never mind the fact that he’s old enough to be her father. He proudly suggests massaging the massager and is often taken aback that she does not take him up on this limited-time-only offer. For free, can you believe it?


Even though her ad says, “Not an escort,” he thinks he can convince her otherwise. “Just let yourself go,” he coos. She should be paying me! This patron is married and wants to feel young again, have his ego and Johnson stroked simultaneously. He does not tip and leaves wondering what is wrong with women these days.


More types are swimming in my brain, but I have to do homework. Maybe more another day.

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

What happened to CJ's Happy Endings Blog?

Cj's blog was funny, informative, and to me, seemed genuine, though others claimed it was fake. At times, there were long lapses between posts, but now it seems to be completely gone.

I hope that doesn't mean someone found out who she really is, because it happens. It's happened to me and some people become completely unnerved that someone is posting about these experiences even when names/occupations are changed.

So if anyone knows what happened to the blog (or CJ), feel free to comment here.

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

How I Screen Clients

Safety and preventing arrest are two critical reasons to screen clients, particularly when you advertise on Backpage. Spending a little time on StripperWeb shows that girls get arrested and I know of some personally, some just body rub girls who have been arrested. It's usually just a fine and no jail time, but still, who wants that on their record? There are lots of different ways to screen and I'm not suggesting that my way is the best or even sufficient, it's just what I happen to do and since I've been asked to share, here it goes:

If a client is new, I ask them to provide some paperwork indicating what their day job is along with photo id. For working guys, it's usually a business credit card, biz card (with photo id of course) or work badge, pay stub, etc. If they have a full-time day job, they are probably not working as a police officer on the side. Of course in terms of safety, this "screening" provides little assurance. If I were working as an escort in a hotel, I'd bump it up to asking for references, and if they are a newbie, then there'd have to be some other requirements. Because I work out of a studio, I never book appointments when there isn't at least one other person in the building. Like, I'm not going to do a 9 p.m. body rub, but 9 a.m., sure there's always someone there. Again, not perfect, but I feel safe enough with my system and I've never been arrested.

If you do ever get arrested, apparently you can hire a lawyer to have the charges removed. I forget the technical word, at a fee of course, but it might be worth it if you want to move into a different career. Other things a girl shouldn't do is negotiate over the phone, e-mail or even with the client standing there fully dressed. Negotiations (do this for that) are a good way to implicate yourself. Don't leave a studio/parlor/strip club/hotel in the dark if you can help it (make sure he has left first). All this should be common sense but sex workers get comfortable and forget the basics.

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Ten Things You Should Never Say to Your Erotic Masseuse


(All of the following have been said to me)


1. So, what’s your real name?


2. Would you like to go to dinner sometime?


3. I think we have a connection.


4. Who provides the condom?


5. Let me know if you want a NSA (no strings attached) relationship.

(psst...we already do)


6. You must get soooooo turned on.


7. Are you turned on?


8. You can do whatever you want to me.


9. Can you call me Son?


10. Do I have a big dick?

Sunday, May 5, 2013

Newbie Tips

Spring often brings new customers, specifically newbies, the kind that are doing this for the very first time. And there are some things a guy should know before he books an appointment.

If you've been reading this blog, you know that you shouldn't go over specifics on the phone or even when you show up if you haven't undressed yet (you could be wearing a wire). Don't negotiate; don't show up with less money than the full fee or condoms in your pocket. So, that's a given and I won't go into the reasons why here.

Another important thing to keep in mind is that most body rub girls DON't offer full service and even if you think you're hot, she might not want to have sex for money. Or she might. A polite way to find out would be to ask, "Do you offer other services?"

Let it go if she says "no." The ones who seem to push it are newbies, thinking that anything is an option. Often times these guys don't want to book with an escort because of the higher costs, but think they can get sex at body rub prices plus a tip.

I've mentioned the pros of manscaping, particularly the genitals, so I won't go much further.
But here's the most important thing.....a little gross, but hey, you aren't squeamish right? I can't tell you how many times a guy has been face down on the massage table and I see toilet paper crumbles in his ass. Yep, dingleberries, it's an epidemic. And where there's dingleberries, there's bacteria, and where there's bacteria, there's a bad smell. Basically, if I see this, I wouldn't do the body slide on their back. In some cases, I have been so grossed out that I won't book the guy again. It might sound harsh, but there are one of two easy ways to prevent this:

1. Get rid of all the ass hairs. Really, it's not hygienic is you are a hairy guy are you do nothing to get rid of it in the ass crack. Trust me, toilet paper does not cut it.

2. Go shower before your appointment if you had to do number two after your morning shower. Ask if you can use her shower if you're at work. I have a shower and encourage clients to use it if they feel the need.

The last time I had this happen, when the guy flipped over he said, "You must get soooo turned on doing this."

I smiled and said, "yes."

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Massage Parlor Code Words

As I've mentioned, I worked in a spa (my preferred term over "parlor") before I went independent and I've had some questions about that experience.

So....step one is to go over all the lingo, which is critical if you plan on going to one or working in one. I would NOT recommend going to an Asian Massage Parlor or AMP, because many of those women are trafficked and forced to live there, cooking smelly fish from a campstove (that's why AMPs always smell rank). In any case, spas like you find on the Client List exist (well, somewhat), and here are the code words:

Happy ending/release: This is a handjob at the end of the massage. In my opinion, happy ending is a tired expression, maybe even a little old-fashioned. I always say release.

Customers/clients/regulars: This is anyone that visits the spa and a regular is a guy who comes back every couple months or so. Some guys patronize bi-weekly or even weekly, but those are rare. At my spa, no one ever referred to customers as dates or "johns." Those terms seem out-dated, and a little bit prostitute-ish to me.

Provider: The girl giving the erotic massage (this term also refers to escorts)

Switch rub: Another term is mutual massage. This means that the client gives the provider a massage. At my old spa, this was acceptable and not something that was charged for, but had to occur during the customer's paid hour. It's just meant to be massaging, not penetration of any sort or even rubbing of the breasts. Personally, I'm not a big fan of switch rubs because I have issues with being facedown with a client behind me. Many guys are surprised that providers wouldn't jump at the chance to be massaged, but I mostly said no to such offers, with the exception of about four clients who I have known for a while and trust.

The one BIG difference between working in a spa and being an independent is that spas really push the upsell: get them in the door with x amount of money and then every little thing is more, even things that aren't sexual like hot stones. One of the biggest "options" is how clothed the woman is. Where I worked it was one of three options:

1. Lingerie (bra and panties NEVER come off and there's no body slide
2. Topless (partial body slide)
3. Fully nude

Those who read CJ's blog are aware of the thigh/butt/breast release. Personally, I have NEVER heard of a spa (other than Asian) doing this because it's just plain messy and dangerous. Some guys shoot really far and you have no idea who is a shooter or not. A post-session shower would be necessary for the provider, but most girls I know are NOT going to want to redo their hair and makeup, thus possibly missing the next customer. Maybe I'm paranoid, but a client putting his erect penis anywhere near my thigh or butt or my breasts is not worth any amount of money. Way too many delicate tissues and orifices. Also, it's very degrading.

Body Slide: This is done when the woman is naked, slithering up and down her customer, usually lifting up just before genitals touch. Men go crazy for this and it was standard if the guy chose the fully nude option.

Nuru massage: This is basically a body slide with a seaweed gel that sells on Amazon for $20. It's popular in Canada. 

Incall/Outcall: Incall is when the provider has a location. Obviously a spa would always be incall, but you'd be amazed how many people call and ask if outcall is an option. The answer is always no.

Full Service: Sex

YMMV: Your mileage may vary. Indicates that if the provider likes you, you might get some extras for free. At a spa, this is difficult to do because if word gets out you could be fired. I will admit to YMMV as an independent. There are some clients that I kiss, others that I give an extra 30 minutes, or talk dirty or whatever. It's not necessarily that the person is good-looking, often we just connect.

So, those are the basics; there are hundreds of other code words for the escort world, but that's my Massage Parlor Primer.

Sunday, April 28, 2013

Sales and Posts

I just wanted to give a big thanks and MWAH to my readers. Book sales have been relatively good and I never would've self-published if it wasn't for the readers who liked my posts. I know a lot of people like to keep their identity hidden, but just by reading this little blog, it helps, because it pushes up the daily hits, and encourages me.

So, anyway, I might be doing a little giveway in the next few days. I just have to figure out how all that works.

At the moment, I'm putting my parlor plans on hold. It's tempting, but I'm not sure it's the best move. I have gotten some questions about what it was like working in the massage place, so I might be posting about that.

Thursday, April 25, 2013

If it sounds too good to be true...she might be a cop

You might have read about Quentin Groves getting busted for soliciting a prostitute.

There's so much to comment on in this story, like why a multi-millionnarie would bargain shop for sex. I mean, there are some things I don't like to spend money on, like chapstick, but do you really want generic or dollar-store quality when it comes to sex? But I digress. Quentin should have known something was up when full service was listed as $100, unless of course it's taking place in a parking lot, OR the fact that anal was a mere $20 extra.

Having an incriminating conversation over the phone was also not a good idea. And I'm guessing he didn't check reviews beforehand, because, ahem, cops don't usually have them.

In any case, it's a lesson for other hobbyists. Don't go over details on the phone, check for reviews, and if the price sounds too good to be true....

Friday, April 19, 2013

Confessions of An Erotic Masseuse by Alexa Salinger

I decided to compile my writings in this book, available as an e-book from Amazon for 99 cents.

I had to take down some of the posts from this blog because Amazon wouldn't allow me to sell a book when the content is freely available. I added a lot more information than what was on this blog, including how Cole and I started officially dating (!).

I tried to get an editor to help me with the book but was told it "wasn't for me," so all editing is done by me. If you find a typo, please let me know and I'll fix it right away. Hope you enjoy! xoxo

Sunday, April 14, 2013

Opening a Parlor

It's a long story and one I haven't blogged much, but Cole and I are dating. Yes, it's official and that means I need to stop being an erotic masseuse.

I could give it up and just rely on a respectable part-time job and financial aid for dental hygiene school...but I have a better idea: I'd like to open my own massage parlor. I wouldn't be doing the touching, I'd be doing the managing. And that isn't like cheating, right? I've saved a little so I have money to get it going. The difficult part if finding the girls. I haven't had a lot of luck so far by placing ads on backpage, so I think I need to get creative.

Thursday, April 11, 2013

More Backpage Scams...

I thought of a couple more that I'd heard from clients.

1. One scam is the "Oh, gee, that $150 is just for me to show up at the door." And then the escort will itemize a list of sexual activities, so that the equivalent of a "girlfriend experience" will cost you as much as a Thai wife. I hear this trick is particularly common in Vegas, where they hand out flyers for $100 escorts. As they say, if it sounds too good to be true....

2. Another scam is usually done by a quasi-legal pimp agency, that'll sorta make it sound like they're sending an escort, but then when she shows up, By Golly, she can't do any of those things because they are illegal! She can only strip and you can service yourself. Unless of course, you're willing to pay her liek $1000 and then she's pretty much open to anything.

Both of these scams are definitely of the one-timing variety and are done by agencies or pimps, because most independents want to encourage repeat customers. That's my opinion of course.

Just more to think about before you make an appointment. Again, reviews are the way to avoid both of these.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

The Skill Every Body Rub Girl Should Know putting on fake eyelashes. It's probably the easiest way to look sexy. What could be better than come-hither eyes?

However, if you've ever tried to put them on, you know it's a harder skill to possess than a hand job.

In the beginning, I tried and gave up. But after watching a few Youtube videos (I'm not posting links because they aren't sponsoring me), I think I have it mastered. It's a great return on your investment ($3). Other options are lash extensions, which are extremely expensive ($180 for the first time and costly follow-up) or Latisse (requires commitment and diligence). Lash extensions are also a huge time suck and even Latisse can become a bother as it has to be applied twice a day and takes about 6-8 weeks to see results.

The trick to false eyelashes is making sure it's really secure on both ends. Even if you aren't a sex worker, it's a good first-date  or kindle-the-romance move.

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Newbie Mistakes

If you're nervous about going to a rub for the first time, it's best to do a little research beforehand, such as reading CJ's blog or your local review board, google a few things for heaven's sakes, but please, oh please, don't ask your provider to explain how things work. Or worse, make assumptions.

John called to book an appointment. He sounded nice and normal.

"Do you have any specials?"

"Nope," I say. I rarely runs specials anymore.

"Ok. Would you take $120?"

I charge $140 per hour and I almost never get negotiators.

"No, sorry, I won't, but I'm sure there are other girls who would. Good luck."

"Um, no, that's okay, we'll just do the $140."

I hesitated and from now on I might pass on any negotiators. One reason is that "negotiating" is one way girls like me get arrested. It makes it clear to the cop that you are doing this or that for money. And then there is the fact that it comes across as cheap.

Against, my better judgment, I booked with him within the hour. I told myself that he'd have to pay upfront because I didn't want him to finish and say, "oops, I only have..."

And if he didn't want to pay upfront, I was okay with skipping the appointment.

When I greet him, he's practically sweating buckets, hands shaking. I feel sorry for him. As soon as he gets in the room, he turns and asks "how does this work?"

He's still fully dressed. (Could be wearing a wire).

"Did you read my reviews?"

He shook his head. "I'm new at this."

I paused, told him I wouldn't go into details before he undressed.

(Keep in mind I advertise under BODY RUBS, not escorts, and my ad actually says in bold, NOT AN ESCORT)

"So, do I provide the condom or do you take care of that?"

I immediately opened my studio door and waved him towards it. "You have the wrong idea."

"But, but, " he stutters. "I just thought with the sexy photos..."

"Okay, goodbye," I say as I close the door.

He was either a cop or horrendously misinformed about what $140 will buy him in this town.

Thursday, April 4, 2013

Backpage Scams

I learn a lot from my clients. Such as what it's like to go to other providers (escorts, body rubbers) in my town.

I have one client in particular, who comes to see me frequently, but like most, samples others.

Scams abound online, that's nothing new, but when it comes to providers it's usually either a bait-and-switch (shit--that's not the girl in the picture!!) or in some cases theft.

I hadn't seen Charles in a couple weeks, so I assumed he was sampling. When he came back to me, he had stories.

One ad showed gorgeous photos and when he showed up to her incall, she was "50-70" pounds heavier than the pics. In addition, the girl in the photos wasn't even 70 pounds ago. He told her he'd "pass."

Be wary of "two for one" sales (as in two girls). I've heard of guys getting girl takes the guy into the bedroom to distract him and the other steals his stuff.

A new one that Charles recently shared was an ad that promoted a $150/hr incall. Now that's a good price for sex, but, oh, um, you have to pay for a cam show first.

Best way to avoid scams? Check reviews! Don't go shopping when you're hungry.

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

It's Time

I started seeing a counselor, which is more gentle term for therapist, or shrink. I have some unresolved issues, apparently. I think maybe the more journaling I was doing made me realize it would be good to actually talk to someone. This blog is great, but it can't set me right.

You can't work in the sex industry for many years without having an incident or two. I'll spare you the details, but I won't spare my shrink, when I get to that. We haven't gotten there yet. Mainly I've just talked about my feelings for Cole, difficulties of raising my daughter alone, and my fear about my upcoming court date with her father.

I've been writing more, starting from the beginning, and it's cathartic. We'll see where it goes. I'm not sure what I fear more: being honest with myself or my new counselor.

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Where's Waldo's Pecker?

When my client flipped over yesterday (on the massage table), he had a doorbell where his penis should have been. Seriously, there was nothing and I panicked. How was I supposed to stroke something that had the length of a thimble?

I NEVER comment on a guy's privates in a session and I certainly wasn't going to ask him what was up with his. And I'm glad he had his eyes closed when I first looked at it. This wasn't an issue of small, it was hidden, not even the entire head was showing.

He said nothing, I said nothing and I continued to do what I do, massaging his front, body sliding his doorbell, waiting for an idea. Eventually, once he became erect, he popped out. It wasn't big, but it was stroke-worthy.

Apparently, he had an inverted penis. This is my conclusion from googling "doorbell and penis." The Internet truly is amazing, isn't it?

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Take the Body-Rub Quiz

I've been reading Gone Girl. Or, shall I say, I have been consumed by its awesomeness during every waking moment (I shall!). Anyway, if you haven't read it, and dear God, you're reading this, my ponderings on the hand job, you should go now and read that!

As a, um, tribute?, to the book, I drafted a little quiz. Call it fan fiction. You'll have to read the book for yourself to understand the importance of the quiz (or actually just the first couple chapters).

1. When calling a body-rub girl ad off Backpage, the perfect opening line is:

a) Hey sweetie! What's up, Babe? (wink, wink, eagerly amorous, I'm erect already!)

b) Do your massages come with a happy ending? (direct, no-nonsense, but self-incriminating and slightly daft)

c) Hi, Can you send more pictures? (she's already hung up)

d) I'm responding to your ad and wondering if you have time for an appointment today? (ah, sweet, sensible, and intelligent)

Answer: D

2. When conversing with said sex worker during the rub, it's best to discuss:

a) How likely it is that she'll fuck you for free if you buy her dinner (hopeful, fiscally-sound, but naive)

b) Why she never went to college (she's wondering too!)

c) How she got into "this line of work" (ahem, where else can an uneducated girl make $

d) hobbies, local happenings, food, TV, weird random stories of your travels (ah, what's a guy like you doing with a girl like me?)

e) knock-knock jokes

Answer: D

3. When preparing for your rub or any other sexual service, it's best to:

a) trim or shave those wiley pubic hairs (hygienic and thoughtful)

b) apply a hefty dose of Old Spice (masculine and overpowering in an olfactory way)

c) don your thong and get a DARK bronze at the local Tanning Booth (even naked, she can't picture you without the banana hammock)

d) send her naked pictures of yourself to get her excited (oh, silly, I know you already know the answer to that)

Answer: A

Monday, March 25, 2013

Getting Arrested

It seems like everyone's afraid of getting arrested. The client, the girl, friends of friends of us law breakers.

And then, recently, I heard about this woman getting arrested that ran the spa I worked at. So, what happened? She was in jail until she made bail (I don't know the amount) and when she finally got her court date, she received a fine. No prison time, no community service, no prostitution-management classes.

Ok, so it's on her record but is it that big of a deal. Everyone in her life knows what she does. Her attitude was: If that's the worst that will happen, I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing. Supposedly, she rakes it in by managing and working at the spa so there's that factor.

My only concern is that my daughter's father could find out. And that'd be some serious leverage.

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Should You Send Naked Photos?

People send naked pics to each other all the time, right? I recall doing that once to cheer up an out-of-state paramour. There's a time and place for digital nudity, but is it a good idea to send a picture of your impressive pecs and Johnson to your erotic masseuse? In the hopes that she might return your call more quickly than to a photo-less phone number?

Well, that's apparently what Trevor, one of my clients, was thinking when he hired a friend to take nudes for him and subsequently sent them to women advertising on backpage (BP). He's a retired forest fire fighter, perhaps in his early sixties and keeps himself in impeccable shape. Seriously, there isn't an ounce of fat or pinch of flabby flesh on the guy.

He sees me regularly but also goes to see other girls. I don't care; I realize it's all about the variety and at our last visit, he was bemoaning the fact that most body rub girls don't return calls.

"I don't know if they get flooded with calls or what. But I hardly ever get a call back," he says to me as I was massaging his back.

"Probably they get a lot of calls," I say.

"I even send them a picture of myself," he says. "I have this friend who takes erotic photos."

Um, you did what?

I'm glad my client couldn't see my shocked expression. I agree he has a good body, but still, why would he think it's a good idea to send a naked photo of himself?

In my opinion, an unsolicited dick shot comes off as mildly aggressive to most women. Even those who look at cocks for a living...or maybe even more so.

And why shouldn't you send these pics? In addition to the fact that it's creepy? (ok, Trevor looks good, but still, he's probably old enough to be the girl's dad --at least).

When I pick my clients, or decide which calls to return, I'm hoping for the following:

1) a guy who will pay me
2) a guy who is not a cop
3) a guy who will not fondle me for the entire hour or consistently try to get more via begging or whatever.
4) a guy who will not try to stick his fingers in my pussy or ask me if I want to go out for dinner.

See how having a good body is not any of those above? Sure, it doesn't hurt but as a body rub girl, it doesn't matter that much. I just want to get paid for doing what I do, no more or less. I don't need to be turned on by a client. And by sending a nude it seems like he might expect something more or lack discretion.

I didn't have the heart ot tell Trevor that what he did was likely a bad move. The photos were already sent. Besides, that'll just mean he'll come to me more.

Friday, March 15, 2013

The "extras" of Erotic Massage

It's best to understand what is standard in an erotic massage and what's an extra. Of course, it varies from masseuse to masseuse, but I thought I'd share what I consider standard and what's an extra.


1. Topless with touch of the breast allowed.

2. Release (i.e. hand job)

For me, I also allow any foot action that a client likes such as sucking toes, using my feet to give them a release, walking on them, etc. If a client is nice, I'll also sit on his chest while I give him a release.


1. sucking nipples

2. golden shower

3. prostate massage or any ass play

4. fully nude and specifically fully nude body slide

5. kissing

6. playing with the pussy or ANY penetration (most body rub only girls don't go for this)

I will acknowledge Your Mileage May Vary (YMMV) usually exists for most girls, where mileage goes farther if the client is a known tipper, very good-looking, a faithful regular or some other connection exists where I feel the need to go to lengths to satisfy him.

It's best not to discuss extras over the phone of course. But it is important to understand that you can't get a girl to pee on you if you aren't willing to pay more (generally).

Monday, March 4, 2013

Follow Me

I like to keep things intimate. Even when it comes to my blog. At some point, I might be making this blog private and just keep it open for followers.

So, if you would like to keep getting updates, you can either click the follow button or submit your email to subscribe.

Sunday, March 3, 2013

Aubree's Scheme

You may recall Aubree, my former stripper, former American Dolls co-worker that I did a four-hand massage with. We've actually been hanging out together, getting our nails done and walking her friend's dog together, and as is typical of Aubree, she's ready to move on. Just when I started to consider her a good friend, putting the past behind.

Aubree likes to take her sex work on the road. I didn't hear from her for the entire year she went to Guam. You might ask, "what's in Guam," well, there's a military presence, which is all you need in terms of demand. Most clubs will pay for a stripper's flight out there and then if they've worked long enough, pay for the flight back. The tricky part is getting them to pay for the return flight, so many strippers end up staying longer than they wanted, partying in Turmon and enjoying the nice weather.

So Aubree's new plan is to go to Miami, and a hook a guy to smuggle drugs from Peru back to Miami. It's a gig dreamed up by Al, who used to a regular at one of the strip clubs. Al looks exactly like what you're if he belongs on a used-car sales lot, one of the ones with neon triangle streamers.

Even Aubree knows Al is a big talker but she claims he'll pay her ticket to Miami, as well as Peru, and therefore it's no risk for her. The guy she gets to fall in love with her and take the trip to Peru will do the smuggling. I'm a worrier though so I see risk where she doesn't. The bottom line is she's leaving in a few weeks and I'll miss her. She is one of the only friends I have that knows what I do. Eventually she'll get tired of Miami and come back.

Saturday, March 2, 2013

The Smapple of My Eye

I almost got come in my eye. Yes, that's come, spelled come, instead of cum. Ever since I read True Porn Clerk Diaries, I write it come. You'll have to read the book to find out why. I should get paid for these teasers; oh wait, I do. I'm a tease of sorts, but anyways, back to the come.

The client was a shooter. It happens on occasion, perhaps 5 percent of the time. I define shooter as a person with a semen trajectory farther than the width of the massage table. Without interception, it'll hit the carpeted floor and immediately my back aches at the notion of renting the carpet shampooer at Price Chopper. I swear it weighs more than me and the cord has an affinity for my ankles.

I have never fully understood the internal physics of shooters. It's not something that a girl would ever have a sense of during sex; although if you're looking to get pregnant, this might be your guy.

In general, the younger the guy, the more likely for a haz-mat clean-up. I imagine the innards of such young-uns have tighter muscles, but again, it's really just a fraction of guys who make a mess of the floor, or have me wrangling their cock so that the carpet is spared. It's probably a genetic thing...the distance, some shoot and others dribble, like the ability to curl one's tongue. It's in your DNA.

But back to my was a surprise because he wasn't all that young and he had a somewhat mellow exterior. And then, well, it happened and I darted and ducked. I must've had a look on my face, because he looked at me like "what's the problem." I'm figuring safety glasses might not go over so well.

I recall a girl I worked with at a jack shack who got come in her eye. It was red all day. And I'm not sure how that works with STDs...can you get gonorrhea of the eye?

The next time someone rebuffs my prices, I'm going to tell them it includes the hazard pay.

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

I'm Back

I can't believe it's been a month since I've posted. I write every day in a journal, but some things are too cheesy to post online, even if people don't know who you are.

In any case, it's been a crazy month and I had to take a break from body rubs to deal with my health-related stuff. I won't go into details, but eveything is okay now, I have a tiny scar that I cover up with makeup, and I couldn't have gottent through it without Jack.

And now I'm finally coming out of my slump. Between the weather and life, I was getting depressed. I even had to buy one of those seasonal affective disorder lights, which is on now as I write. It's a glary, annoying light, but thirty minutes in the morning and I'm good to go.

Today, I'm back to work and my hiatus has managed to stir up business so I'll have more stories soon.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Should I date my erotic masseuse?

If you're asking yourself this question or googling it, you are not alone. However, it's a terrible idea.

For one, can you ever forget what she used to be? Who could hold back from computing how many cocks she's had her hands around?

Secondly, it's impossible to know how she really feels. She's getting paid to touch you. I think some clients get this sense that because we're intimate, that we're intimate, forgetting that they just put a bunch of twenties on the table. Honesty is not the best policy in sex work. She might think you're cute; she might wonder why you're here; she might even look forward to seeing your name come up on her phone, but she probably doesn't wish to have a relationship, not a free one. It's difficult to separate the notion of getting bills paid when it comes to clients.

I have to tell myself these things, too. Because at times I so enjoy my time with Jack that I forget it's a paid relationship. I forget that he's married and goes homes to someone else and somehow it bothers me to think that he's having sex with her too. Ridiculous, right?

For right now, I'm just glad he invited me to one of his work functions. I'm not sure how he gets around the obvious fact that I'm not Mrs. Jack, but he's given me some money to buy a dress and Aubree has happily agreed to go with me.

Monday, January 14, 2013

Today I Was Turned On

As you know, I get asked often, mid-session, to be specific, usually while my hands are wrapped around a client’s penis, to be even more specific, “Do you get turned on?” or “You must get sooo turned on.”

The interrogator is usually breathless, erect, and occasionally sweaty. The truth could cause a flatline. And a flatline generally extends a session ten minutes due to futile resuscitation until someone calls it. Deceased. Time and Date. Put the hand paddles away.

So I LIE to prevent a penile cadaver. I want my clients to leave happy, stress-free and fully satisfied and overcooked-linguine dicks make everyone sad. So, what’s the harm in a tiny fib? Nothing, I say, but sometimes, I am shocked to realize that, in fact, my lady juices are flowing and I am turned on.

Today was one just day.

It’s worth repeating: I am always floored when a client can turn me on. Talk about a cadaver...that’s me. But every once in a while, a guy will bring me back from the dead. And his name was Ethan.

I was in a poor-me mood this morning as a result of some disturbing medical-related news. And as a tiny tangent—since when have hospital secretaries been left with the task of telling a woman, a young woman, a woman who makes her living off her tits, that she needs to come back for diagnostic breast screening because her last mammogram revealed a potential “mass.”

Mass is never a good word, not when it refers to church, and not when it refers to something in your right breast. And particularly not when it comes from the lips of a secretary eating a rather juicy-sounding apple over the phone when this news is delivered. Apparently being a secretary has its benefits, because if the woman on the other end of the phone (i.e. me) goes into a tailspin at the possibility of losing her tits and therefore livelihood, the secretary can simply dismiss the conversation, saying, “I’m sorry, I can’t answer those questions, because I’m just the secretary.”

But I digress. Back to Ethan. Understandably this news left me wondering: What good are breasts, really? When was the last time my breasts made me feel good? And with the exception of eight months of breast-feeding Analise and the accompanying insane calorie-burning of this breastfeeding, my breasts seem like nothing more than a hindrance, body-rub income notwithstanding. A hindrance, indeed, particularly when one has a family history of breast cancer. At a Very Young Age.

I had seen Ethan before, but due to an iPhone/iCloud mishap, many of my phone numbers were lost and therefore I didn’t realize it was Ethan The Hot Client that called to schedule. He indicated that he had seen me in November and wanted to see me today. Sure, how about 2? He agreed.

It was a silver lining when I went to the waiting room and realized my 2 o’clock was The Ethan.

Part of Ethan’s charm is what we have in common: skiing, migraines, elementary-school aged children, and custody issues. He’s a classically good-looking guy: brunette, toned, neatly shaved, and within a decade of my age.

“Can I touch you?” he asks, as he is face up with me on the massage table rubbing his thighs—with me positioned in between his thighs.

Please do!

“Of course,” I say.

“I don’t want to make you uncomfortable,” he says.
Not a chance.

For my well-behaved clients, I do a front body slide, allowing my breasts to touch their stomach, penis—whatever sticks up.

At this point, I was thinking the things I normally ponder while my tits are tickling a man’s naked body: When will the cold snap break? Will I have time to go to the bank before I pick up Ana from school? Will the bank have those cookies and should I snag a couple for my daughter? Like I said, I’m a corpse.

I was enjoying Ethan’s touches though; he was lightly putting his hands on my hips as I moved over him. Nothing too grabby.

“Can you touch your nipples with mine?” he asks. I can’t say that I get this request often. Nipple-touching is a very individual thing for men, I have discovered in my empirical research. Some men love it and others find it highly annoying. I would’ve guessed Ethan to be a non-nipple guy due to his highly sensitive foot arches, which I mistakenly massaged without warning and nearly received a knee to the nose.

“Sure,” I say, as he opens his thighs a little more so that I have room to slide up without wetting my panties.

We were a good nipple-to-nipple match. And that is exactly when the thaw occurred. His arms embraced me a little closer and eventually my arm muscles gave out and I collapsed on his chest. His breathing deepened and I sensed he also wasn’t too concerned about time. He smelled like a campfire and his arms felt solid and protective. On a day like today, it’s everything I wanted.

This all leads me to the conclusion that my breasts do still provide me with immense pleasure.

I hope I get to keep them.

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Four-hand Erotic Massage with George

This post can be found in my book, Confessions of an Erotic Masseuse, available for 99 cents on Amazon.

Sunday, January 6, 2013

Are Body Rubs on Backpage Illegal?

In short, if you live in the United States, yes.

I always like to take a look at the search terms people used to find my blog and the heading question as well as "Are Craigslist massages legal?" are two popular ones. Craigslist massages are probably just body rubs advertised in a more subtle way. Most legit masseuses don't advertise there, or at least that's been my experience.

So why is it illegal? You can't pay someone to handle your junk. And calling it compensation of time probably won't go over in court very well. I mean, really, judges aren't stupid. I was also surprised to learn that kissing someone for money is illegal, specifically it falls under the definition of prostitution.

What is legal, from what I've read, though I don't claim to be the authority, is getting nude and masturbating, even in front of someone. So if you want to keep your rub legal, you could always self-service, but what's the fun in that?

Personally, I don't worry to much about the legalitites. I think it's something the police are willing to look over as long as I'm not pimping. And usually by the time I get to the end of the rub, the guy is so turned on, that I think that would someone be a conflict of interest if he were a cop. That's what I tell myself, anyway.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

New Year's Resolution: Get More Pussy in 2013

I'm guessing from the amount of phone calls I've gotten since the new year, that getting more action might be a 2013 resolution. And, as always, I'm grateful for it. I took some time off around the holidays and like everyone else, I'm back to work, hoping for a fiscally stronger year.

Although my ad says "No texts," I still get plenty of them. If I've seen the client before, I'll definitely respond. If I haven't, my response is based on my mood I guess. If the texter simply writes, "Hi," then forget it.

In any case, a former client sent me the following text: "Hi Alexa, Stuart here, been to u twice before, good massage. Wondering if there is a next level massage?"

I like the way he phrased this: next-level massage. Unfortunately, there really is no more levels than me topless and the client getting a release, but of course the text left me curious. I'm not sure how many more levels you can have about what I offer without it being sex. In which case, it's no longer really a massage. I get these sorts of questions a lot, usually not in a text though. Usually in the midst of the rub, a client will ask "What other services I offer?"

Some men are okay with the standard FBSM, others need more. Some, like Randy, are okay with a FBSM the first couple of times, but like a drug, they need more to get the same level of satisfaction,
Unfortunately, I won't be responding to his text. I've generally found that guys who want more than what I offer don't end up being very satisfied customers.