Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Take the Body-Rub Quiz

I've been reading Gone Girl. Or, shall I say, I have been consumed by its awesomeness during every waking moment (I shall!). Anyway, if you haven't read it, and dear God, you're reading this, my ponderings on the hand job, you should go now and read that!

As a, um, tribute?, to the book, I drafted a little quiz. Call it fan fiction. You'll have to read the book for yourself to understand the importance of the quiz (or actually just the first couple chapters).

1. When calling a body-rub girl ad off Backpage, the perfect opening line is:

a) Hey sweetie! What's up, Babe? (wink, wink, eagerly amorous, I'm erect already!)

b) Do your massages come with a happy ending? (direct, no-nonsense, but self-incriminating and slightly daft)

c) Hi, Can you send more pictures? (she's already hung up)

d) I'm responding to your ad and wondering if you have time for an appointment today? (ah, sweet, sensible, and intelligent)

Answer: D

2. When conversing with said sex worker during the rub, it's best to discuss:

a) How likely it is that she'll fuck you for free if you buy her dinner (hopeful, fiscally-sound, but naive)

b) Why she never went to college (she's wondering too!)

c) How she got into "this line of work" (ahem, where else can an uneducated girl make $140.hr?)

d) hobbies, local happenings, food, TV, weird random stories of your travels (ah, what's a guy like you doing with a girl like me?)

e) knock-knock jokes

Answer: D

3. When preparing for your rub or any other sexual service, it's best to:

a) trim or shave those wiley pubic hairs (hygienic and thoughtful)

b) apply a hefty dose of Old Spice (masculine and overpowering in an olfactory way)

c) don your thong and get a DARK bronze at the local Tanning Booth (even naked, she can't picture you without the banana hammock)

d) send her naked pictures of yourself to get her excited (oh, silly, I know you already know the answer to that)

Answer: A

Monday, March 25, 2013

Getting Arrested

It seems like everyone's afraid of getting arrested. The client, the girl, friends of friends of us law breakers.

And then, recently, I heard about this woman getting arrested that ran the spa I worked at. So, what happened? She was in jail until she made bail (I don't know the amount) and when she finally got her court date, she received a fine. No prison time, no community service, no prostitution-management classes.

Ok, so it's on her record but is it that big of a deal. Everyone in her life knows what she does. Her attitude was: If that's the worst that will happen, I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing. Supposedly, she rakes it in by managing and working at the spa so there's that factor.

My only concern is that my daughter's father could find out. And that'd be some serious leverage.

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Should You Send Naked Photos?

People send naked pics to each other all the time, right? I recall doing that once to cheer up an out-of-state paramour. There's a time and place for digital nudity, but is it a good idea to send a picture of your impressive pecs and Johnson to your erotic masseuse? In the hopes that she might return your call more quickly than to a photo-less phone number?

Well, that's apparently what Trevor, one of my clients, was thinking when he hired a friend to take nudes for him and subsequently sent them to women advertising on backpage (BP). He's a retired forest fire fighter, perhaps in his early sixties and keeps himself in impeccable shape. Seriously, there isn't an ounce of fat or pinch of flabby flesh on the guy.

He sees me regularly but also goes to see other girls. I don't care; I realize it's all about the variety and at our last visit, he was bemoaning the fact that most body rub girls don't return calls.

"I don't know if they get flooded with calls or what. But I hardly ever get a call back," he says to me as I was massaging his back.

"Probably they get a lot of calls," I say.

"I even send them a picture of myself," he says. "I have this friend who takes erotic photos."

Um, you did what?

I'm glad my client couldn't see my shocked expression. I agree he has a good body, but still, why would he think it's a good idea to send a naked photo of himself?

In my opinion, an unsolicited dick shot comes off as mildly aggressive to most women. Even those who look at cocks for a living...or maybe even more so.

And why shouldn't you send these pics? In addition to the fact that it's creepy? (ok, Trevor looks good, but still, he's probably old enough to be the girl's dad --at least).

When I pick my clients, or decide which calls to return, I'm hoping for the following:

1) a guy who will pay me
2) a guy who is not a cop
3) a guy who will not fondle me for the entire hour or consistently try to get more via begging or whatever.
4) a guy who will not try to stick his fingers in my pussy or ask me if I want to go out for dinner.

See how having a good body is not any of those above? Sure, it doesn't hurt but as a body rub girl, it doesn't matter that much. I just want to get paid for doing what I do, no more or less. I don't need to be turned on by a client. And by sending a nude pic...um it seems like he might expect something more or lack discretion.

I didn't have the heart ot tell Trevor that what he did was likely a bad move. The photos were already sent. Besides, that'll just mean he'll come to me more.

Friday, March 15, 2013

The "extras" of Erotic Massage

It's best to understand what is standard in an erotic massage and what's an extra. Of course, it varies from masseuse to masseuse, but I thought I'd share what I consider standard and what's an extra.


1. Topless with touch of the breast allowed.

2. Release (i.e. hand job)

For me, I also allow any foot action that a client likes such as sucking toes, using my feet to give them a release, walking on them, etc. If a client is nice, I'll also sit on his chest while I give him a release.


1. sucking nipples

2. golden shower

3. prostate massage or any ass play

4. fully nude and specifically fully nude body slide

5. kissing

6. playing with the pussy or ANY penetration (most body rub only girls don't go for this)

I will acknowledge Your Mileage May Vary (YMMV) usually exists for most girls, where mileage goes farther if the client is a known tipper, very good-looking, a faithful regular or some other connection exists where I feel the need to go to lengths to satisfy him.

It's best not to discuss extras over the phone of course. But it is important to understand that you can't get a girl to pee on you if you aren't willing to pay more (generally).

Monday, March 4, 2013

Follow Me

I like to keep things intimate. Even when it comes to my blog. At some point, I might be making this blog private and just keep it open for followers.

So, if you would like to keep getting updates, you can either click the follow button or submit your email to subscribe.

Sunday, March 3, 2013

Aubree's Scheme

You may recall Aubree, my former stripper, former American Dolls co-worker that I did a four-hand massage with. We've actually been hanging out together, getting our nails done and walking her friend's dog together, and as is typical of Aubree, she's ready to move on. Just when I started to consider her a good friend, putting the past behind.

Aubree likes to take her sex work on the road. I didn't hear from her for the entire year she went to Guam. You might ask, "what's in Guam," well, there's a military presence, which is all you need in terms of demand. Most clubs will pay for a stripper's flight out there and then if they've worked long enough, pay for the flight back. The tricky part is getting them to pay for the return flight, so many strippers end up staying longer than they wanted, partying in Turmon and enjoying the nice weather.

So Aubree's new plan is to go to Miami, and a hook a guy to smuggle drugs from Peru back to Miami. It's a gig dreamed up by Al, who used to a regular at one of the strip clubs. Al looks exactly like what you're picturing....as if he belongs on a used-car sales lot, one of the ones with neon triangle streamers.

Even Aubree knows Al is a big talker but she claims he'll pay her ticket to Miami, as well as Peru, and therefore it's no risk for her. The guy she gets to fall in love with her and take the trip to Peru will do the smuggling. I'm a worrier though so I see risk where she doesn't. The bottom line is she's leaving in a few weeks and I'll miss her. She is one of the only friends I have that knows what I do. Eventually she'll get tired of Miami and come back.

Saturday, March 2, 2013

The Smapple of My Eye

I almost got come in my eye. Yes, that's come, spelled come, instead of cum. Ever since I read True Porn Clerk Diaries, I write it come. You'll have to read the book to find out why. I should get paid for these teasers; oh wait, I do. I'm a tease of sorts, but anyways, back to the come.

The client was a shooter. It happens on occasion, perhaps 5 percent of the time. I define shooter as a person with a semen trajectory farther than the width of the massage table. Without interception, it'll hit the carpeted floor and immediately my back aches at the notion of renting the carpet shampooer at Price Chopper. I swear it weighs more than me and the cord has an affinity for my ankles.

I have never fully understood the internal physics of shooters. It's not something that a girl would ever have a sense of during sex; although if you're looking to get pregnant, this might be your guy.

In general, the younger the guy, the more likely for a haz-mat clean-up. I imagine the innards of such young-uns have tighter muscles, but again, it's really just a fraction of guys who make a mess of the floor, or have me wrangling their cock so that the carpet is spared. It's probably a genetic thing...the distance, some shoot and others dribble, like the ability to curl one's tongue. It's in your DNA.

But back to my eye...it was a surprise because he wasn't all that young and he had a somewhat mellow exterior. And then, well, it happened and I darted and ducked. I must've had a look on my face, because he looked at me like "what's the problem." I'm figuring safety glasses might not go over so well.

I recall a girl I worked with at a jack shack who got come in her eye. It was red all day. And I'm not sure how that works with STDs...can you get gonorrhea of the eye?

The next time someone rebuffs my prices, I'm going to tell them it includes the hazard pay.