Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Take the Body-Rub Quiz

I've been reading Gone Girl. Or, shall I say, I have been consumed by its awesomeness during every waking moment (I shall!). Anyway, if you haven't read it, and dear God, you're reading this, my ponderings on the hand job, you should go now and read that!

As a, um, tribute?, to the book, I drafted a little quiz. Call it fan fiction. You'll have to read the book for yourself to understand the importance of the quiz (or actually just the first couple chapters).

1. When calling a body-rub girl ad off Backpage, the perfect opening line is:

a) Hey sweetie! What's up, Babe? (wink, wink, eagerly amorous, I'm erect already!)

b) Do your massages come with a happy ending? (direct, no-nonsense, but self-incriminating and slightly daft)

c) Hi, Can you send more pictures? (she's already hung up)

d) I'm responding to your ad and wondering if you have time for an appointment today? (ah, sweet, sensible, and intelligent)

Answer: D

2. When conversing with said sex worker during the rub, it's best to discuss:

a) How likely it is that she'll fuck you for free if you buy her dinner (hopeful, fiscally-sound, but naive)

b) Why she never went to college (she's wondering too!)

c) How she got into "this line of work" (ahem, where else can an uneducated girl make $140.hr?)

d) hobbies, local happenings, food, TV, weird random stories of your travels (ah, what's a guy like you doing with a girl like me?)

e) knock-knock jokes

Answer: D

3. When preparing for your rub or any other sexual service, it's best to:

a) trim or shave those wiley pubic hairs (hygienic and thoughtful)

b) apply a hefty dose of Old Spice (masculine and overpowering in an olfactory way)

c) don your thong and get a DARK bronze at the local Tanning Booth (even naked, she can't picture you without the banana hammock)

d) send her naked pictures of yourself to get her excited (oh, silly, I know you already know the answer to that)

Answer: A