Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Ten Things You Should Never Say to Your Erotic Masseuse


(All of the following have been said to me)


1. So, what’s your real name?


2. Would you like to go to dinner sometime?


3. I think we have a connection.


4. Who provides the condom?


5. Let me know if you want a NSA (no strings attached) relationship.

(psst...we already do)


6. You must get soooooo turned on.


7. Are you turned on?


8. You can do whatever you want to me.


9. Can you call me Son?


10. Do I have a big dick?

Sunday, May 5, 2013

Newbie Tips

Spring often brings new customers, specifically newbies, the kind that are doing this for the very first time. And there are some things a guy should know before he books an appointment.

If you've been reading this blog, you know that you shouldn't go over specifics on the phone or even when you show up if you haven't undressed yet (you could be wearing a wire). Don't negotiate; don't show up with less money than the full fee or condoms in your pocket. So, that's a given and I won't go into the reasons why here.

Another important thing to keep in mind is that most body rub girls DON't offer full service and even if you think you're hot, she might not want to have sex for money. Or she might. A polite way to find out would be to ask, "Do you offer other services?"

Let it go if she says "no." The ones who seem to push it are newbies, thinking that anything is an option. Often times these guys don't want to book with an escort because of the higher costs, but think they can get sex at body rub prices plus a tip.

I've mentioned the pros of manscaping, particularly the genitals, so I won't go much further.
But here's the most important thing.....a little gross, but hey, you aren't squeamish right? I can't tell you how many times a guy has been face down on the massage table and I see toilet paper crumbles in his ass. Yep, dingleberries, it's an epidemic. And where there's dingleberries, there's bacteria, and where there's bacteria, there's a bad smell. Basically, if I see this, I wouldn't do the body slide on their back. In some cases, I have been so grossed out that I won't book the guy again. It might sound harsh, but there are one of two easy ways to prevent this:

1. Get rid of all the ass hairs. Really, it's not hygienic is you are a hairy guy are you do nothing to get rid of it in the ass crack. Trust me, toilet paper does not cut it.

2. Go shower before your appointment if you had to do number two after your morning shower. Ask if you can use her shower if you're at work. I have a shower and encourage clients to use it if they feel the need.

The last time I had this happen, when the guy flipped over he said, "You must get soooo turned on doing this."

I smiled and said, "yes."

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Massage Parlor Code Words

As I've mentioned, I worked in a spa (my preferred term over "parlor") before I went independent and I've had some questions about that experience.

So....step one is to go over all the lingo, which is critical if you plan on going to one or working in one. I would NOT recommend going to an Asian Massage Parlor or AMP, because many of those women are trafficked and forced to live there, cooking smelly fish from a campstove (that's why AMPs always smell rank). In any case, spas like you find on the Client List exist (well, somewhat), and here are the code words:

Happy ending/release: This is a handjob at the end of the massage. In my opinion, happy ending is a tired expression, maybe even a little old-fashioned. I always say release.

Customers/clients/regulars: This is anyone that visits the spa and a regular is a guy who comes back every couple months or so. Some guys patronize bi-weekly or even weekly, but those are rare. At my spa, no one ever referred to customers as dates or "johns." Those terms seem out-dated, and a little bit prostitute-ish to me.

Provider: The girl giving the erotic massage (this term also refers to escorts)

Switch rub: Another term is mutual massage. This means that the client gives the provider a massage. At my old spa, this was acceptable and not something that was charged for, but had to occur during the customer's paid hour. It's just meant to be massaging, not penetration of any sort or even rubbing of the breasts. Personally, I'm not a big fan of switch rubs because I have issues with being facedown with a client behind me. Many guys are surprised that providers wouldn't jump at the chance to be massaged, but I mostly said no to such offers, with the exception of about four clients who I have known for a while and trust.

The one BIG difference between working in a spa and being an independent is that spas really push the upsell: get them in the door with x amount of money and then every little thing is more, even things that aren't sexual like hot stones. One of the biggest "options" is how clothed the woman is. Where I worked it was one of three options:

1. Lingerie (bra and panties NEVER come off and there's no body slide
2. Topless (partial body slide)
3. Fully nude

Those who read CJ's blog are aware of the thigh/butt/breast release. Personally, I have NEVER heard of a spa (other than Asian) doing this because it's just plain messy and dangerous. Some guys shoot really far and you have no idea who is a shooter or not. A post-session shower would be necessary for the provider, but most girls I know are NOT going to want to redo their hair and makeup, thus possibly missing the next customer. Maybe I'm paranoid, but a client putting his erect penis anywhere near my thigh or butt or my breasts is not worth any amount of money. Way too many delicate tissues and orifices. Also, it's very degrading.

Body Slide: This is done when the woman is naked, slithering up and down her customer, usually lifting up just before genitals touch. Men go crazy for this and it was standard if the guy chose the fully nude option.

Nuru massage: This is basically a body slide with a seaweed gel that sells on Amazon for $20. It's popular in Canada. 

Incall/Outcall: Incall is when the provider has a location. Obviously a spa would always be incall, but you'd be amazed how many people call and ask if outcall is an option. The answer is always no.

Full Service: Sex

YMMV: Your mileage may vary. Indicates that if the provider likes you, you might get some extras for free. At a spa, this is difficult to do because if word gets out you could be fired. I will admit to YMMV as an independent. There are some clients that I kiss, others that I give an extra 30 minutes, or talk dirty or whatever. It's not necessarily that the person is good-looking, often we just connect.

So, those are the basics; there are hundreds of other code words for the escort world, but that's my Massage Parlor Primer.