Wednesday, July 3, 2013

The Five Species of Body-Rub Patrons

1. The Married-But-Celibate-Patron: A common client is the married guy who isn’t getting any at home. The fizzling of intimacy ranges from a months-long dry spell to years-long drought. The seasoned patron is likely no longer sleeping in the spousal bed and has entered the roommate zone. His wife’s touch is as elusive as a unicorn sighting. For those in their thirties, they are often still hoping for a libido rebound or that losing a little weight will spark a flame (trust me, it’s not you), but are hesitant to divorce due to kids, lifestyle upheaval, or fear of failure. Patrons in their fifties and sixties have generally settled in to this way of life, not wanting to fork over 50 percent of assets, because really, how would they afford their sex workers?
Crushes are a potential risk of this patron. On both sides.


2. The In-Between-Girlfriends Patron: These guys are generally seeking conflict-free touch to fill the genital-contact gap. They tend to be friendly, conversational, good-looking, but usually when they find the next girl, their business drops off. Drops off, that is, doesn’t usually cease entirely.


3. The Oil-Worker Patron is one of my favorites. They have lots of money, tip well and really appreciate a woman because most oil industry arenas involve a high man-to-woman ratio, where attractive women are tantamount to an endangered species. Most are single, which nixes any unsavory guilt on the sex worker side. It’s one of the few patrons that will actually refer other guys. Thank you, Halliburton.


4. The Dead-Bodies-In-The-Basement Patron doesn’t usually make it past the phone, because he sounds so odd, but occasionally he does (rent is due), creating a painfully awkward hour, whereupon his number is blocked post-session. A session with this guy involves a lot of squeezing, a lot of staring, and usually infrequent and painful bursts of conversation. While rubbing this patron, the sex worker is glad that she has mace handy and often has to reinforce boundaries. She’s also worried that he might burn a hole into her boobies with his intense gaze. No amount of money is worth seeing this guy again.


5. The Mutual-Benefit Patron is the most annoying of clients. He might be 58, but he still “has it” and when he looks in the mirror, he sees his 20-something self, and often still dresses that way, drenching himself in Old Spice for his date-slash-body rub.


This patron often comments, “You must get sooooo turned on doing this,” never mind the fact that he’s old enough to be her father. He proudly suggests massaging the massager and is often taken aback that she does not take him up on this limited-time-only offer. For free, can you believe it?


Even though her ad says, “Not an escort,” he thinks he can convince her otherwise. “Just let yourself go,” he coos. She should be paying me! This patron is married and wants to feel young again, have his ego and Johnson stroked simultaneously. He does not tip and leaves wondering what is wrong with women these days.


More types are swimming in my brain, but I have to do homework. Maybe more another day.