Thursday, September 26, 2013

My contribution to society

Recently a reader of my book emailed me to let me know that I had inspired them to give their husband a sensual massage. And she even sounded excited about. As they say, if my work has touched one person....

I haven't received a post-massage email but based on my experience, men are pretty easy to please, particularly if there is a naked female in front of them hoping to do something in a sensual realm. So I can only imagine the husband was happy. I bet he'll encourage her reading habit from now on.

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

A Massage Parlor Entrance

Aubree is back in town. Things didn't go so well with her intercontinental plans, luckily she didn't end up in one of those South American jails. Brokedown Palace was real bummer of a movie.

In any case, she's back, popping into my life just as things are in an upheaval. Hence, the move to open our own massage parlor. We figure we know the business, probably better than most people who open a sensual massage parlor. We like to call it a spa, sounds classier, less Asian.

The first thing was to find a place and there was a lot to consider. Money, of course. But other key factors were a central bathroom with shower (the shower thing is sooo rare, more common in places that were once houses and converted to a commercial property), non-carpet flooring (ok, well there is the obvious reason but the other one is that massage oils and lotion on customer's feet act as a dirt magnet for the carpet. Even a carpet shampoo won't get out the stains. Trust me, I've tried.), and then there is the most important thing: a shared entrance with another business.

I believe being busted is a relatively small risk, but there are a few ways to minimize it. One obvious way is not to have stupid conversations while the client is fully dressed. Another way is to have a common entrance so that it's unclear who is going where. Or maybe that's just more for the comfort of the patrons. In any case, we decided to make that our priority.

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Finding The Perfect Body Rub Girl

There are people you click with and others that drive you crazy. Some people might need someone crazy to click with. In any case, I think having the best body rub experience involves finding a girl that's the right fit for this particular situation. It might be a job to her, but still, I can say that any girl that does this for a living knows that there are some clients that they look forward to seeing and others that make them feel like an hour is an eternity. It depends where I am on my weekly earnings on whether I will take those clients. If I could have potential clients take a quiz, it might look like the following (obviously, never in a trillion years would I do such a thing):

  1. Would you prefer an escort or erotic masseuse? Many people book with a body rub girl instead of an escort (it's cheaper, quicker) but what they really want is sex or a blow job or to insert their fingers in a girl's privates. I would consider the later more escort stuff, obviously though there is some crossover. Pushing boundaries or trying to persuade her to do more is not going to make for a great session for either one of you. And contrary to what some might think, not every guy wants to have sex with his sex worker. Many guys feel like sex is a line they don't want to cross or have rationalized that a release is not really cheating or fear STDs and cooties. So if sex or finger penetration is what you want, book with an escort.
  2. No talk, dirty talk, or small talk? The important distinction here is whether you are looking for a sexual titillating conversation or not. Dirty talk seems really critical to some guys in terms of getting off, but it's weird and awkward when the feeling isn't mutual (or she's not feeling the need to be an actress).
  3. Preferable Venue? Studio versus apartment. Waiting room versus back door entrance. Shower versus mop-up yourself. I only work out of a studio, but many clients want the bedroom experience and pester me to come to their homes or come to mine. It's best to pick someone that working where you want them to be, rather than to convince them to change their venue.
  4. In your league or out? This is what I have heard from clients...for some, if the girl is too pretty, too hot, or too whatever, the guy gets intimidated, insecure and it's mission unaccomplished. (Which only makes him feel more insecure.) For these guys, sometimes the Asian Massage Parlors are better. From what I've heard, there is no such thing as a girl being out of a guy's league at those places. Being trafficked doesn't make for a desirable league.

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Can You Keep A Secret?

We all have secrets. It's completely normal. Some big, some small. Like for example:

  1. I have a mouthwash compulsion. I hide tiny bottles in my car, backpack, locker, and purse, swishing and spitting throughout the day in the most unladylike fashion.
  2. I don't know the first thing about Syria and why we are mad at them. BUT, I could tell you everything about Lamar Odom's crack addiction or Amanda Bynes' psychiatric hold or why I think Vickie from the Real Housewives should not be dating Brooks.
  3. I once egged an ex-boyfriend's car. Childish, yes.
  4. I have veneers. But my teeth still look real. So, when people compliment my smile, I just say "thanks, good genetics."
  5. I have weird lesbian dreams about Aubree.
  6. I will always tell a client that I'll see him again and smile, but if I don't, I just block their number.
  7. I'll break my boundaries for more money. Unless he has dingleberries.
  8. I asked Aubree to cyber-stalk Cole on Facebook.
  9. When I'm not working, I wear over-sized granny panties, usually Jockey For Her.
  10. I am the co-owner of Wild Orchid Massage. Yes, that kind of massage place.
  11. Of course, it's not really called Wild Orchid, but you get the point. Names are changed to protect the guilty.

Monday, September 9, 2013

Five things To Do Before Your Body Rub

To Do:

1. Clip your toenails

2. Trim or shave your crotch

3. Take a shower

4. Bring the cellphone you used to make the appointment so that you can call if you are lost, delayed

5. Nair your butt crack hair

Five Things NOT to do before a body rub:

1. Bring a condom so that it falls out of your pocket when you take your clothes off.

2. Apply copious amounts of cologne.

3. Allow a couple days for your shaved back hair to grow in so that it's a stiff stubble.

4. Give a fake name, then forget your fake name.

5. Tell her you only have x-10 (where x is the advertised rub price) and say "Will that work?"

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

"You Must Get A Lot of Weirdos..."

I think you can call something a trend after you've heard the same phrase, oh, maybe a couple dozen times, not that I'm grabbing a pen mid-stroke to tally data, but I'm guessing. And because basically these are the things I think of when I'm mid-stroke.

Yes, that's right. I'm back at it. It didn't work out so well with Cole and that's another story for another post. So I was thinking the other day how my body rub patrons frequently comment on how I must get a lot of weirdos or pervs or _____ (insert outlier personality disorder), whereas, in fact, my patrons are all highly normal. Highly normal, as in, more normal than the average person standing in front of you at the checkout at Target. Far more normal than the guy who comes to clear out the sewer line at your apartment complex (okay, that's a freebie because that guy is essentially ankle deep in shit each day), and maybe only slightly more normal than aforementioned ex-boyfriend.

The term "normal" being a nebulous equation of functioning in society, free of addictions, self-harming behavior, excelling professionally, being able to maintain relationships, keep a houseplant alive and such. Perhaps it's the price tag. Although I do take credit cards. I also like to think I can get a sense of someone over the phone. Weirdos don't have normal phone conversations, usually it begins with a halting query: Are you shaved? Trust me, you can tell A LOT about a person by their phone voice. It's the reason many body rub girls let it go directly to voicemail before they make a decision.

So, I have no idea why my clientele are abnormally normal or why my patrons think they are likely in the minority, but they do. It's just a little observational data on my part. You see I'm taking a statistics class in college, which sparked my ruminations. You can bet that I didn't raise my hand to share with the class though.